Hummingbirds are magical little birds. Jetting energetically back and forth, up and
down, effortlessly hovering in thin air, it is hard not to be captivated by
them. My cousin loved them. They seemed to speak to her. In so
many ways, she was like the little birds, always moving forward to savor each
moment.
I keep feeders in memory of her. Watching them makes me think not only of her,
but my mother and grandmother as well. Sometimes
the birds come so close, I can hear the hum of their wings. Occasionally, if I am not paying attention, one
will ‘buzz’ me. My favorite is a little
female who always calls to me announcing her presence. She reminds me of my cousin. One day, I actually reached out for her.
When my mother and grandmother passed, it was my cousin who
reached out for me. She reached for me
and anchored me when I was floundering in darkness. Now that she is gone too, I can’t help but
reflect on how much my life has changed... is changing. Part
of me wants to run forward and embrace the future like a child with all its
possibilities, the other part is looking back afraid of going too far, losing my way. It has been hard for me
to let go of the past and what was familiar and ‘safe’. For
some reason, I have this weird nostalgic angst about moving forward. I don’t like feeling adrift, without anchor,
floundering. These women
were my anchors. They kept me grounded in a sense of continuity,
and now they are all gone. The future requires a leap of faith. I have never been good with uncertainty. I guess I have trust issues.
And so, I reached for the little bird. To my amazement, she hovered an inch above my
hand in a bubble of vibrating air, so subtle, so brief, and yet so very
timeless. As tiny strands of swirling
air brush my fingers, I was suddenly caught in a stream of consciousness,
without beginning, without end, only of infinite possibilities, continuity and
connectedness. Fearlessly, the little
hummingbird turned and squarely faced me.
Our eyes met. I
cannot begin to describe the joy that filled my soul. For the
briefest of moments, we connected and just like that, she darted away.
I was Overwhelmed and unsure what it all meant. It took another to point It out. “Don’t you
get it? It’s about putting your hand
out,” he said. “You won’t experience
anything like that unless you put your hand out and reach for it. It’s
telling you to open your heart and take a chance.”
Some say the spirits of relatives reside in the tiny
birds. Perhaps it is true. I would like very much to believe my cousin
is still reaching out for me. I finally understand what my cousin had been
trying to tell me all along. She had wanted me to tenaciously pursue
happiness, be persistent and to never give up. Her message was clear, to heal and move
forward, life must be approached with an open heart and without fear . I need to realize the beauty of my own
truth. Only then is it possible to fully reap life’s
joy.
The Spinner weaves
The Weaver spins
and Laima dreams.....
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