I have been contemplating my life a
lot lately and I have come to the conclusion love and relationships are a lot
like buying shoes. There are so many
styles, so many considerations when deciding which shoe will be the best fit
not just for your feet, but also for your lifestyle and personality. More often than not, we are seduced by the
sexy red stilettos of Hollywood image makers.
Sleek and flashy, they turn heads promising a fantasy life of glamor and
glitz and excitement, intrigue and romance.
Unfortunately, fantasy is what they usually are, in the end, the reality
being more like sore feet, twisted ankles and life –long back problems. More often than not, such shoes are mostly
image without substance. Sold as the
feminine ideal, they often limit a woman’s ability to express her full
potential by locking her into a patriarchal definition of is feminine. They
limit her ability to run.
And yet, I
still envied those that made it look so effortless and graceful.
I wanted so
much to be like them, but alas, awkward and clumsy, I understood how
Cinderella’s step sisters must have felt trying to stuff their feet into a shoe
that just didn’t fit. I spent a good
portion of my life trying to force my feet into something they were not meant
to be, to fit a relationship that was not meant to be. I know all too well the disappointment,
feelings of failure and inadequacy eroding self-esteem because I could not
master the ‘image’. Drowning in disapproval; never enough… not
good enough… not woman enough… never enough…so much to live up to, all the time thinking there was something
wrong with me. I never considered maybe
the problem was always the shoe itself.
Still… I thought perhaps if I tried a lower heel, something
a little closer to the ground, a little more professional, a little closer to
reality, a little closer to me, maybe I could make it work. Maybe I could still live up to
expectations. I’ve worked with women
that glided through the work day, the essence of power an authority and grace,
a feminine mystique. “It’s not that
hard. Just take them off when you get
home. You have to have other shoes to wear.”
I do have my girlie side after all, and I am a product of pervasive
social expectations of what is properly feminine. With that, I would try the
next pair. Yes, perhaps if I tried
really hard, a lower heal would work… then again, maybe not. Though less painful, my toes still
pinched. I still couldn’t run or even
walk thru soft grass without my heel getting stuck. God forbid, I had to walk thru some
rocks. Such shoes are only made for
smooth surfaces, not for the uneven surfaces life often provides. Desperate, I even tried those cute little
sandals everyone wears in the summer time.
Not well made, they don’t last long, more often not, paying for looks
not quality. They blistered my feet and my heels were always dry, cracked and
dirty.
I tried and
tried to make it work. I must have
bought a lifetime of shoes trying to fit another’s expectations. My closet was full of shoes taking up space,
many barely even worn, and yet I couldn’t quite let them go. It would mean admitting defeat, admitting I
was a failure. I kept thinking one day, I will be able to wear them, make it
work. Instead, they simply became a
constant reminder, a testament to the ill fitted expectations I would never
meet. In the end, the only thing I knew
for sure was that my feet hurt, aching from the neglect that comes from being
unappreciated, under-valued, unrecognized.
I now know,
the key to buying a pair of shoes is knowing something about yourself. I began
to realize each pair taught me something, my likes and dislikes, what made me happiest
and most content. Each experience taught
me something about myself and the type of relationship I really wanted. The
ill-fitted shoes of the world and the discomfort they caused me were invaluable.
They taught me to appreciate quality and a proper fit, and for that I am
grateful.
Relationships are a lot like shoes.
The pain some relationships inflict, like shoes, demand a person to be
true to themselves and not the artificially created expectations of others or
even one’s own self. Once you realize
what type of relationship is best for you, it’s easier to let go, self-actualize
and begin enjoying and truly living life. It is easier to find the partner that is right for you.
It took a
long time, but in the end, I found the best fit for me. I am a boots, hiking boots kind of girl. They are sturdy and keep me grounded on the
rockiest of paths. I don’t need heels to
reach great heights because I now am able to climb mountains. I can wiggle my
toes at will and my feet are never cold.
I can explore beyond the confines of smooth surfaces and artificially constructed
non-realities that so often denied my own truth and left me broken hearted and
shattered. I now have a shoe that loves, accepts and nurtures me as I am.
And thus is
the Art of Shoe Shopping… always listen to your feet. When you do, you will find the right shoe.
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